Final Fantasy Cookie
by F. David Schultz
Summary: In the same vein as Final Fantasy Cheese, a new lie must be uncovered. For too long, Final Fantasy IX has been thought of as the whimsical fight for life and love. Now, the grimey truth must be revealed. -Incomplete- Chapters 3 and 4 added.
1. Prelude

Final Fantasy Cookie  


  


Prelude  


  
Memories are precious things. If they are forgotten, then what once was can never exist again. If memories are distorted, then what once was becomes a falsity. That is why is is important to preserve the truth of memory. If we remember something as it wasn't, then the past becomes unknown. The truth must be uncovered as the flaky covering of lies must be broken away like crumbs to reveal the sweet, gooey, chocolate chip of truth that resides within.  
Final Fantasy IX is a memory that is nothing more than a falsity. Once more, it is my job to open everyone's eyes to Square's foul deeds. They have made Final Fantasy IX into a pretty little fairy tale about a monkey-man, a princess, a quest for love, and a quest for the truth behind the past and existence itself. This is such a pretty little story, but the real tale is not by any means so pretty.  
The happy-go-lucky, ever helpful, thief known as Zidane Tribal is actually a grumpy, alcoholic street performer slash mime, named Gill Mamfield. He works with a host of actors, musicians, and other performers as a member of the Tempura Threatre Company.  
Princess Garnet til AlexaMcSomething XVII is still the fairest maiden in the land, however, she talks... a lot... She also seems to get in trouble quite frequently. Her name isn't really Garnet, of course. It's Williamina (the king and queen wanted a son). Williamina resides in the luxurious kingdom of Kelly with her only living relative, her mother, Queen Mel. Mel's beauty is considered to surpass that of her daughter's. Well, you would consider it if you were a fat orangutan.  
Then there's the one with more curvaceous hips than even Garnet. That's right, Kuja. He is a very different person than what is portrayed in Final Fantasy IX. Lumbing, as he is properly named, stinks and collects buckets. He still looks like a girl, though.  
The army of black mages aren't quite as one would remember. They're more pink than black. And they aren't quite mages, but rather they're more like big rabbits with hats.  
Moogles are pretty much the same. Like chocobos, Square wouldn't dare screw around with them. As such, Mognet is virtually unchanged... Well... Almost...  
The geography of Gaia (actually called Gormo) is very different. The kingdom of Kelly is made up of the city (which shares the same name), the Not-So-Nice Forest, and the Chilly Cavern. There's also the town of Dali, which is actually is a thriving metropolis based on agriculture and UFO sightings. Nearby lies Treno, which has gone bankrupt because of too much frivolous spending. Apparently, they believed that the city needed new shoes. No, not the citizens, but the very city itself. The city council isn't quite in the right mind.  
Lindblum is run by the right and just Regent Chazzy XVIII. The kingdom is rightfully called Waffle Land. Their national food, animal, flower, and beverage is the waffle.   
Nearby is Burmonkia. It is a small place with a few dozen citizens. Practically everyone left for Clayre (no, not Cleyra) when their leader decided that all of their locks should be bells instead. After a series of break-ins, no one was really all that comfortable sticking around. So, the kingdom has become a realm of thieves and bell makers.  
Beyond this, very little is known about Gormo. The reason why the lands outside are so unknown, is because of the Mist. It remains fairly consistent between Square's fantasy and the truth. There's more to it, however, than simple mist. People were just too lazy to do things like "explore" or "make maps". Such concepts are foreign to most Gormoans. These mysterious continents shall be revealed unto you here, though. There's no reason to suffer due to Gormoan idiocy.  
The Outer Continent is a lot more annoying to get around due to the mole people of Conde Petie. They have traps from the Iffy Tree to the Donut Palace. Not only this, but in the north, the moogles are wild and untamed. They are said to be vicious, blood thirsty creatures. They're the only crazy moogles in the world though. The rest are fairly regular.  
The Forgotten and Lost Continents... Well, no one is quite sure how, but someone forgot where the Forgotten Continent was, and someone else misplaced the Lost Continent. How someone can just "misplace" a continent, I'll never know. I mean, I can see forgetting one, but losing one entirely? At any rate, I'm sure they'll turn up eventually.   
The real world of Final Fantasy IX is a strange and confusing one. It is as intricate as cookie dough, and twice as tasty. In order to truly understand it, one must first read this tale...  
  



	2. Chapter One

Chapter One: Calm Before the Gingersnaps  


  
A world of shadows, lost within shadows. Great tidal waves, spiralling into the past. A rainbow of colours: dark and desolate to look at. Above, a great eye gazing down through the abyss of shadows, into the very soul. "_Hurrryy!_"  
  
"Williamina! Wake up! Hurry, you have to get ready for the show tonight, your highness!" A soft, yet commanding female voice called from the doorway.  
"Ahh! Huh? Oh, I was dreaming... I'm awake Blinky. Thank you." Williamina awoke with a start. She shot up in bed, her long brown hair a tangled mess around her. She rubbed her deep brown eyes as she shook the night's sleep away from her. She felt cold, despite the heat of summer. That chilling dream... It seemed like something from her memories, but she never experienced anything like that. "Stupid dreams! How annoying and haunting they are. I wish that they would just leave me alone for once. Can't those dreams see that I'd be happier without them? Well, it could be worse I suppose. I guess I'd better start getting ready then. There are more pressing matters to deal with," she said to herself, dismissing the fantasy.   
She tossed the covers aside and slid out of bed. Her night gown was loosely wrapped around her. Williamina slowly stepped over to the window, and opened the shutter. There was a blinding light that entered the room. She hadn't realized that she slept in so late. As her eyes adjusted to the light, her vision focused on a flock of beautiful white birds. They fluttered near her window, then flew off above the mighty city of Kelly, towards a great airship that was rolling in.  
  
"Ugh, where's the fraggin' ale? That Baka better not have hid it on me again!" A hairy, blonde, young moneky-like man muttered to himself. There was the distinct scent of whiskey on his breath. His garments were made of patchy leather, covered in dirt and grime. There was a small hole in his pants that a tail stuck out of. None of this was visible, however, as he was wobbling around a small room in the dark. There was a loud banging sound, followed by an angry, pain-filled scream. "Arg! My fraggin' toe! Stupid thing!" There was another bang followed by another pain-filled scream as the man obviously tried to kick whatever it was he stubbed his toe on. "Where the 'ell's the light, anyway?"  
Light suddenly illuminated the room. A fat, bearded gentlemen with a hammer at his belt was standing next to a lantern. "Gill, have you been drinking again?"  
"No... I 'aven't been doin' nothing of the sort!"  
"I can smell it all over you. Damn it Gill, I thought that you were clean for once."  
"Oh shut up, Chi-zu! You aren't so perfect either!"  
"Come on, the meeting's about to start. Let's go."  
"I'm not goin' nowhere before I get some ale!" Gill exclaimed. He fell backwards as he said this. "Arg!"  
"I thought you were supposed to be a mime," Chi-zu said, a smile crossing his lips.  
"Oh shut it!"  
"Brahhhg!!" a deep shout called out. The door burst open and a great dragon-headed beast burst forth, growling and roaring.  
"Baka, put away the dragon costume and get ready for the meeting," ordered Chi-zu. "It looked great on New Year's, but now it's just getting tiresome... And smelly."  
"Hey, who's the boss around here?" the dragon boomed.  
Chi-zu just sighed and walked off into the next room.  
"Rarg! Don't turn your back on a dragon! I'll set you on fire! Rarg!" The dragon-beast, Baka, reached into his back pocket and pulled out a match. He lit it. "Rar!!" He ran after Chi-zu. He didn't get far before he cried out, "I burnt my finger!" He then waddled off into the next room.  
Gill just groaned as he got to his feet. He followed the other two in. After a few moments, two more joined the congregation in the room. They all sat around a small round table with a squeaky ceiling fan overhead.  
"All right," Baka began, "you all know what we're gonna do right?"  
"We're gonna buy some more ale? We're all out o' the fraggin' stuff," Gill grumbled as he examined an empty bottle that was lying next to him.  
"No! We're going to kidnap the most beautiful woman in the land. That's right, Queen Mel."  
"Uhh.." The others in the room exchanged glances. There was a long silence. Only the squeaking of the fan could be heard. The silence, and the fan, were broken when Gill tossed the bottle into the rotating blades. "I hate that fraggin' fan," he grumbled.  
"Yes, anyway, we're kidnapping her during the show in Kelly," Baka continued, holding up a doll. It was wearing hideous yellow clothing, and was the fattest doll imaginable.  
"Are you sure you mean Queen Mel? I don't think that all of us put together would be able to drag her into the ship," another in the group spoke up. He had red hair that spiked straight up and wore a belt around his forehead.  
"Of course I do, Hakushi! I said the fairest woman. Is there anyone else that is more fair than Queen Mel?" Hakushi was about to respond when Chi-zu elbowed him in the stomach. "Now, let's get back to the plan. We're going to put on a show to distract everyone while we snatch the queen. Hakushi, you and Gill will do that. Chi-zu, you'll be ready to get us out of there as fast as a flying squirrel. Goba," a man next to Hakushi with a red bandana and bulky arms nodded at the mention of his name, "you'll be playing opposite Rini as the lead."  
"What show are we doing?" Goba asked.  
"_I Want A New Sponge_! It's a classical favourite in Kelly. Okay everyone, the show's tonight! Let's get to it!"  
  
As the great airship flew above Kelly, its crew plotting a vile scheme, a short little fellow was wandering through the excited streets. He pulled back his long pink ears and slapped on his floppy, cone-shaped, yellow hat. His little pink nose twitched and he walked down the street as children ran by him, laughing. He was a chubby pink bunny with yellow and blue striped pants and a blue jacket.   
"Weee!" a little boy yelled as he shoved past the bunny in his haste, sending him falling to the ground. The bunny slowly got back to his feet and brushed himself off. He looked ahead at the kid, who was now far ahead of him. He started running at an amazing speed, catching up to the snot nosed brat that pushed him over. He hopped up, and landed on the kid's back. He straightened out his hat, and continued onward merrily as the child sobbed.  
He came to a ring of shops, and in the centre was a ticket booth. He walked up to it, excited about the show tonight. There was a sign above the ticket vendor that read: _The Tempura Theatre Company Presents: **I Want A New Sponge**_. The top of the floppy hat barely reached over the counter. He produced a ticket from his pocket, hopped up, and put it on the counter.  
The vendor examined the ticket carefully. "Hmm... There's something unusual about this ticket," he said to himself. He sniffed it. "Ah, here's the problem. Sorry kid, but it's a fake. It's made from pickle-paper. All of the tickets we sell are made from cucumber-paper. Hey, don't get upset on me. Tell ya what, how about I give you some really crappy cards that my kids wanted to throw out? I told them that I could probably give them away to some poor, disadvantaged child in the slums." The vendor smiled warmly to himself at doing such a good deed for the little bunny and handed him some wrinkled, rain damaged playing cards. The cards depicted pictures of various half-naked warriors drinking blood from skulls and standing triumphantly on wolf corpses. It was just the sort of thing that kids loved, apparently.  
The bunny shuffled away angrily, cramming the cards into his pocket. Suddenly, a little rat-boy, a little shorter than himself, ran up to him. He wore a red train conductor's hat, and had strange, flannel overalls. His pointy nose wiggled as he talked.  
"Hey," he said, "I saw what happened to ya. I tell ya what... I can let you see the show for free if you promise me something." The bunny looked at him curiously. "You must become my slave for all eternity! Moo-hahaha! Or... Just grab me that ladder over there and follow me." He pointed to a ladder and then quickly sped off.  
The little rose rabbit, not wanting to miss out on the show, dutifully grabbed the ladder and chased off after the rat-boy. They came to a crumbling old church in the slums of Kelly. The rat stopped beneath a ladder. "Oh, by the way, I didn't catch your name. Mine's Puke. And don't you think of making fun of me because of it."  
"My name's Evee," the rabbit said in a squeaky, almost timid voice. "So, if there's already a ladder here, why did you need me to grab one for you, Puke?"  
"Oh, no reason. I just wanted to see if you'd do it." He grinned, and waved for Evee to follow as he started climbing the ladder. He quickly followed. When they reached the top, they were beneath a bell about the size of Evee. "This way." Puke ran off again and the bunny was in hot pursuit. They were speeding across the rooftops of Kelly, hopping from one place to the next, and crossing over make-shift bridges. At last, they crossed a final plank of wood. The two were right amongst the audience now. They were just in time to, for the show was just about to begin.  
A large man wearing a great, white, fur robe stepped into the middle of the stage. He was also wearing a large dragon mask. "Ladies, gentlemen, you damned punk kids that decided to sneak in and not pay... Little dastards... This is money out of our own pockets you punks! I should seek you out on the rooftops and beat every last one of you! Erm.. Anyway, ladies, gentlemen, Princess Williamina and Queen Mel, thank you for joining us for the Tempura Theatre Company's presentation of..._ I Want A New Sponge_ ! Let's begin the show!"  
  



	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two: A Sponge Set In Motion  


  
"For my heart is true, and my brow furled in rage, I shall stand up to King Stephanie!" Goba exclaimed. He stepped forward into the bright light that illuminated the stage. He was wearing the same attire he had been before, during the meeting.  
Hakushi ran to his side. "No, Goba! The fair sponge Rini is not worth it, for she is the King's own spongette! Why not stick with the sponge you have already?"  
"I cannot, Hakushi... For the sponge Rini, is far fairer than the faring fanfares of any other sponge!"  
The two then stood up on one leg, gazed out at the crowd with wide eyes, put their hands into the air, and the lights faded until they were only silhouettes. There was an uproarious round of applause from the nobles in the audience. Puke and Evee watched on, rather puzzled.  
The lights illuminated the stage again. Gill was now on stage, trapped within a mimed box.  
"It is one of King Stephanie's mimes!" Goba cried.  
"Stand aside mime! No parrot, no doofus shall hinder us!" Hakushi exclaimed.  
There was a long moment of silence and the three were frozen in position.   
Gill was crouched down in the mime-box, but slowly he rose to his feet. In a deep voice he began to sing as the other two remained frozen. "Oh, what a fate it is to be such a mime! How am I, a mime, to fight such overwhelming odds? If only I had the strength of ale-er-will! The will to go on... And... Mime!" He turned towards Hakushi and Goba, who suddenly became alive again. He waved his hands in front of his face and bobbed up and down. Hakushi began to do the same.  
"I shall accept thine challenge, foul mime! Let us do battle, and battle forth from here! Goba, go on, claim your sponge! The battle shall hence... Commence!" ]  
Goba ran off stage, as Gill and Hakushi drew from their sides over-sized novelty pencils. They battled onwards, back and forth, swipe and dodge, a brilliant display of pencil play. This continued until they were backed away to a bridge-like structure that connected the stage to the castle. There the battle was fought onward, with many oohs and ahhs from the audience.   
"Man... That Kelly ale is strong stuff. I shouldn't've drank the whole bottle before the show... I'm gettin' a little queasy," Gill said to himself. As he ducked below a swing of a pencil, he threw up on a few nearby members in the audience. There was a chorus of boos, and the two fled into the castle.  
"Damnit Gill! You nearly screwed everything up! Come on, let's get some disguises and find Queen Mel," Hakushi said.  
"We aren't really going to get her, are we? All of the booze in Kelly couldn't make her hot."  
"I know, I know. Let's just get going. Hey look, some guards. Let's get their uniforms."  
"But uh... They're female. Maybe we should wait until some of those Knights of Binfield, or whatever they're called, to come by and we can steal those uniforms," Gill reasoned.  
"No way. We can't wait that long. Let's get 'em!" Hakushi ran forward and tackled one of the guards. He proceeded to remove the screaming woman's uniform at that point.  
"Pig!" her partner exclaimed. She sent a swift kick into Hakushi's side. The woman was surprisingly strong, and he was sent crashing into a wall from the force of her boot-clad foot.  
"Great... Just great..." Gill sighed and he strode forward. He tried prying the guard off of Hakushi, who was now kicking him repeatedly in the genitals. Just as he dragged her off, the other guard lunged forward and struck Gill, sending him toppling to the ground.   
"You're goin' down!" the woman shrieked and began beating Gill about the face.  
"Damn you Hakushi!" Gill cried as he struggled to end the beating.  
"Oh... I... can't feel my... legs anymore..." Hakushi sqeaked. He was kicked again and his entire body shook. Much to his relief, guard was now kicking him in the stomach. Suddenly, something hopped out of his pocket. It was a small insect, neon green in colour, with beady orange eyes. The insect hopped up on the shoulder of the guard that was beating Hakushi.  
"Oh my! It's an iggypop! A real wild iggypop!"  
"Eeek!" the other screamed as the iggypop leapt from the first guard to the next. The two proceeded to freak out. They ran in a circle and their helmets suddenly collided. They collapsed to the ground.  
"Wow," Gill muttered, astonished. "Who would have thought that your pet Rewilch would save the day." He picked up the little green critter and lifted it up to eye level. "Am I ever glad I never stomped on you in one of my drunken tizzies, li'l guy."  
"Can I have him back now? He must be scared from all the excitement?" Hakushi asked in a squeak.  
"You're still talking like that? Did you have some helium or something?"  
"Shut up, Gill!"  
Gill just laughed. "Oh, if only the rest of the guys could be here to see this." He gave Rewilch to his squeaky companion. "Now, let's take their uniforms and get goin'."  
The two dragged the guards into a nearby storage room and quickly switched garments. They now wore the bathing suit-like armour of the Kelly female guard. It was tight (down below, especially), revealing, and had oversized boots, gloves, and helmets. It was difficult for the silver-blue uniform to even contain Gill, for his beer belly yearned to burst free from its confines.  
"All right, let's get going." Hakushi lead the way up a flight of spiral stairs. At the top, there was a woman in a long white robe standing there. She was looking back at a set of large oak doors. Then, vehemently, she spun around and began running down the stairs. She zipped past Hakushi and smashed right into Gill. Both were sent cascading downwards, falling end over end.   
The woman was breathing heavily, but didn't seem to be hurt. Gill was lying on the cold floor. He groaned as he slowly sat up. He looked at the woman as she was brushed her robe off. He saw beneath the large hood that shaded her face. From his angle, he could somewhat make out the facial features. Perhaps it was the ale, or the repeated hits to the head from falling down the stairs, but he thought that he saw Queen Mel. The orange-coloured skin, the multitude of nose warts, the fuzzy, brown beard: they were all there!   
"I've found her!" Gill exclaimed. "It's her!" The woman became rigid and fearful. She turned and fled as quickly as she could. "Hey, come back!" He chased after her as fast as his legs could carry him.   
Hakushi looked down at Gill. "No, Gill! She's too thin to be Mel! Oh damn, he's gone again. Get back here!" He flew back down the stairs and tried catching up to Gill before the entire plan blew up in their faces. "That alcoholic can run fast when he wants to."  
  
"Now that the beach party is over, it is time to return to the task at hand. The spongeon invaders to Azzama VII must be stopped!" Chi-zu shouted while doing a jig.  
"I must go and lead the forces against them," Goba said softly.  
"Nooo! Goba, don't do it!" A woman with long, green hair that hung down to her knees ran up to Goba. She was wearing a long, purple dress with glittering sequins on it. The dress was quite frilly, and was armless except for large puff ball shoulder pieces. Her bare, pale arms wrapped around Goba. "I couldn't bear to see you go!"  
"But I must..."  
"Oh, what a wonderful show," Queen Mel said, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. She was up in the royal box, watching the performance without any knowledge of the insanity within the castle walls. "Wouldn't you say so, Williamina?" She awaited a response, but there was none. "Williamina, Williamina?! Where did she go? Hobsfeld, where did she go?" She looked to a man leaning on the back wall of the box. He was adorned in full body armour, brown in colour. He appeared to be napping. "Hobsfeld!"  
Hobsfeld was startled into the waking world. "What? Huh? Oh! Your grace! What is it?"  
"Williamina isn't here. Go find her immediately before you are cast into the Slime Hole! Go!"  
"Fear not! I, Adelaide Hobsfeld, Captain of the Knights of Bacchus, will retrieve her by-"  
"Shut up and go!" Mel cried furiously. Hobsfeld fled as quickly as possible from her sight and ran off to find the princess.  
"Look! A talking pair of shoes!" Chi-zu exclaimed.  
"Hey hey hey, let me give you a bit of tongue!" a giant green and blue shoe exclaimed in response.  
"Ah, what a work of art," Mel commented, as she turned her focus again on the show.  
  
"The chase is afoot, and afoot is the chase. It shall be I, Adelaide Hobsfeld, Captain of the Knights of Bacchus, that will retrieve Princess Williamina! But first, I must rally together the Knights of Bacchus!" Hobsfeld was running down a vast hallway within the great castle. At the end of the hall was a portrait of a very thin, curly moustached man in red. He wore a glittering crown on his head. He was the late King Fobeard. He had been husband to Queen Mel, and ruler of Kelly until his tragic death, one year ago, when he had been crushed by a strange avalanche of buckets.  
After turning a corner, Hobsfeld found a man dressed in silver armour. "Winzelton! The princess has vanished! Assemble the rest of the Knights of Bacchus and find her!" he ordered the knight.  
"Sure sure, right after I finish this round," Winzelton replied.  
"What? What round? Did you not hear me? The princess has vanished!"  
"Yeah, yeah, I heard you. I'm busy playing this statue of King Nofflestin in a game of 'Hold Perfectly Still'. I won the first round, and he won the last one. It's best two out of three. I think I can win this one, but I can't move."  
Hobsfeld shuddered angrily, clenching his fists and his teeth. He gave the knight a swift kick in the backside. He fell to the ground and let out an indignant shout. "There, you lose! Now go!"  
Winzelton grumbled and did as the captain said. Hobsfeld started heading off to find the other knights, but he paused. For a moment, he thought he saw the statue that Winzelton was playing against smiling a cheery little grin. He looked again, closely this time, and saw that it was wearing its usual grim expression. The statue was a perfect replica of King Nofflestin, Fobeard's father. There was no more time to waste on the statue, however. He continued his quest to find the princess.  
  
"That's all of them!" Hobsfeld exclaimed as he was now climbing the stairs of the West Tower. "With the Knights of Bacchus searching for Williamina, it won't be long before she's found." He got to the top of the tower and looked down upon the kingdom. Maybe he would be ablesee the princess from here. What he saw, was not the princess, but instead he saw the twelve knights gathered together, bouncing on a trampoline beneath the tower. He wondered where they found a trampoline, but decided to ask that question later. "Hey! Get to work!" he shouted down at them, angrily. Apparently, they didn't hear him. He groaned as he turned and prepared to run back down the stairs to give them all a good kicking. He then looked across at the East Tower. There was an unmistakable figure: the princess! And she was being chased by a female guard, a particularly hairy one at that.   
  
"Come back Mel!" Gill exclaimed. He jumped towards her. She dodged his lunge by leaping to the ledge. She was now dangerously close to falling. Gill proceeded to smash his head into the wall on which she was standing. He twitched a bit, and groaned. He got to his feet and looked up at Mel again. "Wow! There are two of you now!" He tried grabbing at the Mels, but she was now falling down towards the earth below.  
  
"No! Williamina!!" Hobsfeld shrieked. He tried jumping towards her but soon found that he was falling to the earth as well. "Oh dear oh dear oh dear!"   
  
Hakushi gasped as he reached the top of the tower. "Gill you moron! That wasn't Mel! Hey wait... Where did that woman go?"  
Gill pointed her out. "She fell down there." The woman was swinging on a decorative rope and landed safely upon the Theatre Ship's stage.  
"We have to get to her, fast, but there's no time to run all the way around!" Hakushi cried in despair.  
"Then we fly!" Gill exclaimed as he leaped from the tower.   
"Oh crappledorfs..." Hakushi sighed. He then spotted another decorative rope.  
  
"Well King Stephanie, it appears it is the final battle! I shall not allow the beautiful Rini to be given up like a withered sponge to Sir Hoblingersteinfeldson!" Goba shouted to King Stephanie.  
"Roar!" the king, played by Baka, responded angrily.  
"You may be a dragon, but you will not devour me! For I have the strength of this tremendously large box of strawberries on my side!"  
"Roar rarry... Roarness!!" King Stephanie cried out.  
"Oh no!" a random extra cried. "It's King Stephanie's panda warriors!"  
Two pandas emerged from behind the king and began to dance about in a very suggestive manner. They then turned towards Goba and snarled angrily. They prepared to lunge at them, but at that moment, Princess Williamina fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the stage.   
"Erm.. uh... Lady Pelepone... What are you doing here? I thought you were amongst the mobble-people, trying to make peace between them and the egg plants of Egg Plant Land," Goba said, more than a little surprised.  
"Uhh... umm..." Williamina stammered. "I was... But suddenly, my heart turned to thoughts of you, and I had to return... to you!"  
"But Pelepone, you know that my heart lies with Rini!"  
"I know, but I cannot stand aside while my love for you and your mighty sponge is throbbing like a.. Like a wet sponge under running water!"  
  
"Hey look," a Knight of Bacchus said, pointing up at the sky. "That screaming mass of armour looks like the Captain."  
"Oh my! It is the Captain!" Winzelton shouted. "Everyone off the trampoline!" He swiftly hopped off, along with the other knights that had been happily bouncing. It was just in time too, for at that moment, Hobsfeld crashed down upon the trampoline and was just as suddenly launched back into the air, rocketing towards the Theatre Ship.  
  
"Well then, Pelepone... Let us do battle against these pandas together! Only then shall we know if our love was meant to be!" Goba said.  
At that moment, Hobsfeld came screaming onto stage. He crashed right into the two pandas, sending them flying off stage. He twitched on the ground for a moment.  
"Well um... The pandas have been defeated! Thank you... Mysterious Stranger!" Goba said, becoming overwhelmed by the farcical improv this play was becoming.  
That's when, dressed as women, Hakushi and Gill came flying in. Hakushi was holding on to Gill for dear life, saving him from his own demise. To make matters worse, a couple of kids ran onto the stage.   
"We have to get in on the action, Evee! This'll be great!" Puke exclaimed as he thrust himself into centre stage. "Look upon me and despair! I am Mr. Waflleberg and this is my colleague, Paul Paulson." He motioned to Evee. "We shall crush you all and become your new overlords!"  
Hobsfeld then got to his feet. He looked across the stage at Williamina. He ran towards her, shoving Puke aside. He flew right into Evee. "Princess! At last I have found you!" He looked to Hakushi and Gill. "You shall be hanged for this! As captain of the Knights of Bacchus, I shall not allow you to get away with such an assault upon the princess!" He drew a broad sword and prepared to attack.  
"We aren't going to take this. Come on guys, let's get him!" Gill exclaimed. He began to lunge at Hobsfeld, but Hakushi stopped him.   
"How about we get out of these restricting uniforms first?" he suggested.  
"Sounds good."  
"Hey! Nobody pushes me!" Puke cried, indignantly, as he got to his feet. "Come on Evee, let's tear this guy a new food hole!"  
  
Queen Mel looked at the stage with an expression of shock. She was on the edge of her seat, barely able to breathe. "My goodness! What will happen next? Oh, I love this play!" 


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Not-So-Nice

"This is not good."

"Very good this is!"

"No, no, no! I said not good!"

"Yes, yes, yes! Heard you say good, I did!"

"Imbecile. At any rate, Queen Mel must not know!"

"A smart idea, that is! Tell Queen Mel, we must!"

Two short, little men in jesters outfits were arguing before a set of great oak doors. One, the one that seemed most irritated and pessimistic, wore yellow stripes and a dual pointed hat with silver-grey bells on it. His curly, yellow shoes were also adorned with bells that made him jingle when he moved about. He had a sharp, pointy nose, sunken cheek bones, and dark, beady eyes. His skin was deathly pale. It was almost as if he wore an elongated skull on his shoulders. Indeed, it was on his shoulders, for his neck was either covered by his unusual attire, or else it was indistinguishable from his head. His companion, more optimistic and a bit of an air head, looked nearly identical. He was a tad wider than the other jester, and his pants didn't fit quite right for, from his knobby knees to his ankles, he was completely bare. His outfit was also a different colour. His stripes were bright green, and had a certain glow-in-the-dark quality to them.

The jester in yellow stepped in front of the doors, and held out his arms in an attempt to block his fellow jester. "Zorn, I won't let you pass."

"Let me pass, you will, Thorn!" the green jester, Zorn, responded. He then charged at Thorn. He tackled him. The two came crashing into the royal box. They rolled down two sets of steps and down to either side of Queen Mel.

"What are you two doing? You're interrupting the show!" Mel shouted furiously.

"I told you this was bad!" Thorn shouted at Zorn.

"Happy, will Queen Mel be, when she hears the news!" Zorn cried in response.

"Shut up, both of you! Tell me what you have to say and begone!" Mel fumed.

"Found, Princess Williamina, has been!" Zorn blurted.

"Well good, now let me finish watching the play."

"Well ladies and gentlemen, that's the show! Good night!" Baka called out to the audience. He then turned and shouted down into the ship. "Chi-zu, get us out of here!"

Things on the stage were utter chaos now. Puke was attached to Hobsfeld's leg, gnawing on it fiercely while he tried cleaving Gill and Hakushi. They proceeded to defend themselves by tacking Hobsfeld and pummelling him.

"You've made me miss the ending! You accursed little jesters!" Queen Mel roared.

"Majesty, not all, is that! Not here is Williamina! On stage, she is!" Zorn told her, before getting beaten over the head.

"What? You mean they're about to leave with my daughter? Blow them out of the sky!"

The castle was sent into a tizzy. In a mere moment, cannons were being shot at the defenceless theatre ship. The entire vessel quaked as mighty grappling hooks were shot into its sides. It struggled to pull away and it was working, but as the grappling hooks were being torn out, the ship was being ripped to shreds. Smoke started to pour out across the audience.

"Fire fire fire! Send it to the ground as a flame across the sky!" Mel yelled.

Another grappling hook shot forth and collided heavily with the airship. It heaved violently and several people were thrown off, including Puke.

"Remember meee! I may make a brief appearance later, and I don't want to have to reintroduce myseeelf..!" Puke called as he plummeted.

"Show them... The Bomb!"

A giant cannon was then aimed at the airship. A mighty explosion rocketed towards it, spitting forth a great beast comprised of pure flame. Its fiery tongue licked its teeth hungrily, as its giant claws began digging into the side of the ship. Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a purple creature wearing a chef's hat and apron jumped at the flaming monster. In but a few moments it seemed to devour it, and as the creature fell back to the earth it sounded as if it said, "Yum! Cajun style!"

With "The Bomb" dealt with, the airship broke free from the final grappling hook. It sped off as quickly as possible, leaving behind a trail of broken boards and smoke. It sailed past the city of Kelly, down below the mist, and at last crashed amidst the darkness of the forest.

When Gill regained consciousness, he found himself in the dark shade of many gnarled and twisted trees. He must have been thrown from the ship in the crash. Slowly, he got to his feet and brushed himself off. His head was aching, wretchedly. He wasn't entirely sure if it was from the fall or from a hangover.

He saw the wreckage of the theatre ship ahead. It was ruined. Smoke rose up from dampened areas where fire had been washed out. Gill slowly made his approach to the ship, wondering how bad things were on the inside.

He entered the ship and found it in shambles. Everything was strewn about and broken. He walked along, finding some parts of the ship unreachable due to the destruction. As he entered a familiar room he found a most horrific sight.

"Nooo!!" he screamed. "My ale! My fraggin' fraggin' ale! Why?!" He fell to his knees and sobbed as he looked down at the broken bottles of booze before him.

"Y'know Gill, I'm tired of your screw ups," Baka's voice said from behind Gill. "Because of you, the ship is ruined, we don't have Mel, and my dragon head has been lost!"

Gill turned around and saw Baka without the mask. His face had more hair than the top of his head. He had a big, brown beard, and his scalp was shiny and bald. He wore some foggy goggles that looked like they were impossible to see out of. Behind the fur was an angry expression. "Gill, you're out of Tempura."

"What? No! I need Tempura! Where else can a mime like me get work?" He started to grovel at Baka's feet.

"I'm sorry to do this to you Gill, but this is the way it has to be. So long."

Gill silently stood and walked out, hanging his head in shame. He passed by the other members of Tempura who all wore sad expressions.

"Sorry to see you go, Gill. We'll miss you," Chi-zu said.

Goba advised, "Be careful out there, Gill. They say that here in the Not-So-Nice Forest, no one gets out without losing their self-esteem."

Hakushi didn't say anything. He couldn't even look up at Gill as he walked by.

As he exited the ship, he heard the members of the Tempura band call out. "Gill's gone! Celebrate!" A spunky polka march began to emanate from the ship. Gill sighed. They really didn't care about him at all, he thought as he started to walk through the swampish forest.

He heard a yelp. Climbing up a hill, he found the source of the cry. He saw Evee, Hobsfeld, and the woman he had been chasing. The woman was being held captive by a very unnice beast. It was some sort of outhouse with legs. She was yelling frantically.

"Oh, the smell!" she exclaimed. She pressed her face against the crescent moon opening, trying to get fresh air. "It's like being smothered in a thousand rotten eggs after they've been swimming in fish guts and donkey manure! Someone help me! This wretched smell shall be the death of me if something is not done soon! Oh, how I wish I never tried to escape the castle, or swing upon an airship doomed to be smashed by my mother's will! Oh, if only I had not been thrown from the ship, perhaps I would not be doomed to die this way! Oh my!"

While Williamina was talking, Evee and Hobsfeld worked together to destroy the outhouse wearing beast. The princess was shot out and landed in the arms of Gill, while the beast let out a boisterous noise and a toxic fume billowed forth. The Knight of Bacchus and the pink rabbit gasped and fell to the ground.

The princess was still wearing the hooded garment she was wearing before, though the hood was no longer over her head. Her creamy skin seemed to illuminate the dimness and her large, brown eyes glistened. She had long, brown hair, that spun a magnificent braid down past the small of her back. Her bare, silky legs emanated a warm, soothing heat, much like the rest of her stunning physique.

"It's you!" Gill and Williamina exclaimed in unison. The monkey-man dropped the princess to the ground. He then proceeded to walk away from her rather quickly.

"Hey! Get back here! It's because of you that I'm in this mess!" She caught up to him and grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. "If you weren't chasing me across the castle then I wouldn't have had to escape to that airship!"

"How do you know it was me?" he retorted.

"You're still wearing the regulation thong of the guards..."

Gill was taken aback. "Er.. How? What? Me? Uhn... Erg.... Errkers!" he stammered. He was met with a laugh.

"So, since this is all your fault, you have to get me out of it!" she exclaimed.

"Just great," he sighed. He started to walk in the direction that he thought might provide a quick escape from the forest. It was then that Williamina stopped him again.

"Wait! We have to help Hobsfeld and the rabbit! They need help! They deserve it, after rescuing the fair Princess Williamina from certain death!"

"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?"

"Because I like to hear my name. Anyway, let's go see if they're all right. Come on, don't just stand there. Who knows what that monster could have done to them."

They walked to the armoured man and the pink rabbit. They were slowly regaining consciousness. They looked like they were fine, if not a little dazed. For the rest of their lives, however, on the anniversary of that foul day, they suddenly emanated a very strange, and disturbingly vile, scent.

The two got to their feet, and looked at one another. "I have never in my days seen the manipulation of fire performed with such mastery. Your skills are truly amazing, sir. If it wasn't for your efforts, the princess may have been killed. What is your name?" asked a humbled Hobsfeld.

"Call me Evee," responded the rabbit.

"Not just Evee, but Master Evee, Lord of Flame and Mighty Rabbit of Judgement!"

"Erm... Just plain old Evee is fine."

"Very well, Master Evee."

"No, no, y'see-"

"You!" Hobsfeld at last got a glimpse of Gill. "You are under arrest for kidnapping the princess!"

"Oh Hobsfeld, he didn't kidnap me. I wanted to leave, anyway," Williamina said, immediately stepping in.

"What?!"

"It's so boring in the castle. Besides, my real passion is for acting! That's why I'm going to Waffle Land!"

"Princess, please, I must insist that we return to Kelly."

"No! My decision is final. Now, I'm leaving with Gill to Waffle Land. You two can come along if you wish." At that point, she turned and began trekking through the forest, grabbing Gill by his tail and dragging him along.

"I cannot allow the princess to go off alone with that scoundrel. Once we get out of this forest, I shall formulate a plan. Master Evee, will you accompany me and help return the princess to her rightful place?"

"Well, uh... Yeah, I guess," was the rabbit's reply.

"Very good! Now, let us go!" Hobsfeld took a couple of steps and let out a shout. "Ahh! Cobwebs! They're in my hair!"

"You wear a helmet," Gill said, with a sigh.

"That doesn't mean they can't get in my hair!"

As they journeyed through the darkened woods, it seemed as if creatures from beyond the path were speaking to them. They spoke in rough voices, barely able to create the proper sounds for speech. There seemed like a great cackling from above them, and a muffled giggle from the cold earth beneath their feet.

"You stink! Hahaha!"

"Hehehe! Hey Shorty, why not try being less short? Hahah!"

"Gawd, that armour is sooooo last season. Loser!"

"Hey, baby, maybe you should try shaving your legs once in while! Hoohahahoo!"

"Yo, what's with that tail? You trying to compensate for something? Mahaha!"

The voices overlapped with laughter as the four walked as quickly as they could, hanging their heads as they went. They didn't look up at the forest or respond. They weren't going to give it the satisfaction of a reaction. After all, like the common bully, it was only a reaction that the forest was after. That, and maybe their lunch money.

They soon found themselves in the thickest part of the forest. Before them they saw some creature curled up and breathing heavily. The group slowly stepped towards it, unsure of what sort of not-so-niceness this thing might carry. Gill stepped ahead of the others to examine the creature as he was as curious as the rest of them. The thing began to shift and a horrid smell began to emanate from it. Gasping, he stepped away from the thing as it uncurled and rose up to a towering height above them.

The creature turned towards the group and it fumed with a cold, hissing laugh. The entire creature was made of mouldy cheese, and its pungent stench hit the group and sent them staggering away. It lifted its large blockish arms and roared as it lumbered towards the group.

Williamina couldn't take the smell any longer. She began to gasp and cough. She fell backwards, unconscious. Hobsfeld immediately went to her side. "Princess! Princess!"

"It looks like we'll have to fight this thing," Evee said, full of determination.

"Oh great," Gill sighed. "Well, let's do this thang!"

"Thang?" Hobsfeld asked, puzzled.

"Yeah... It's kind of like a slang term for 'thing'."

"Oh, I see. So, we're going to do the monster?"

"Well, not do it like, _do_ it, but do it like, fight it."

"Oh, of course."

"Guys, a little help!" Evee exclaimed. He was being swung about by the creature in a most unpleasant fashion. Gill quickly stepped in with an amazingly skilful kick that got it to get go of the poor rabbit.

Angered, the monster swung a massive fist at Gill, but, with another amazing show of skill, he avoided the blow. Evee cast a fire spell on the monster and it slowly began to melt. Gill, seizing the opportunity to attack while the beast was melting, mimed a whip. To the shock of those present, the mimed weapon was effective against the beast as it cried out in agony when it cracked across its mouldy skull. Hobsfeld proceeded jumped at the beast and tried to cut it open with his sword. As the blade cut into the monster's stomach, a new stench burst forth.

"No, you fool! You cut the cheese!" Gill cried, gasping as the smell brought him to his knees.

"Oh, that was such a pathetic joke!" Hobsfeld responded indignantly. As the words were spoken he began to succumb to the smell, as well.

Evee began to choke, but managed to shout out at both of them, "Will you two cut it out! We need to find a way to stop this thing."

The mouldy beast moved in for the kill, but was suddenly stopped. He fell to the ground and atop its head stood Hakushi. He had jumped from the trees and managed to kick the creature down. Now was their chance.

"Go on Master Evee! Turn that thing into fondue!" Hobsfeld exclaimed.

The rabbit nodded and struggled through the smell. Flame erupted from his fingertips and the mighty monster was reduced to nothing more than a bubbling pool.

Hobsfeld congratulated Evee and then the two turned their attention to the princess. Gill, meanwhile, approached Hakushi.

"Why did you come here?" he asked his former comrade.

"Because, Gill, I couldn't bear to see you leave. I didn't want you to get hurt." Hakushi's eyes became watery. "I love you, Gill!"

Gill's eyes became wide. "Run!" he screamed.

"Oh, I knew it! You small minded phobe! I knew this would happen if I told you!" Hakushi cried out angrily.

"No, it's not that! Run!" Gill pointed behind Hakushi at the group of strange, leafy creatures that had emerged from the darkness. Their eyes were filled with a lust for blood and they were quickly moving in to attack the group. Everyone took that cue to run.

"Hey wait!" Gill exclaimed before they took so much as half a dozen steps. "You forgot the princess!"

Hobsfeld let out a startled cry. As the others continued to run he ran back and picked up the princess. He was just in time, too, for one of the leafy monsters was preparing to take a bite out of her.

"Hey! We were just having some fun with you, and you have to go and kill Paul! That's more than just not-so-nice! That's plain old mean!" An angered voice called from behind.

The group ran as quickly as they could through the forest, trying desperately to escape its not-so-nice clutches. It was then that they discovered that the entire forest was turning to shit, literally.

Hakushi was lagging behind the others as they ran, and the monstrous forest creatures were gaining on him. One latched onto him with a claw-like hand and several others began to pile on top of him. He struggled to break free, but couldn't do it. "Gill!" he shouted. Gill looked back and Hakushi threw a container of some type towards him. "Keep going Gill! Leave me!" Gill caught it and continued to run.

As Gill and the others escaped, Hakushi and the rest of the Not-So-Nice Forest were converted entirely into crap. As for the rest of the Tempura Theatre Company, their fate could only be guessed upon. Even if they were lost in the bowels of the forest, and were unable to escape, it wasn't too much of a loss. They were crappy actors as it was. Of course, if they didn't escape, they were even crappier actors.

The group was panting as they finally came to a stop. Hobsfeld gently set the princess down on the ground and looked back at the brown trees. He then turned to Gill, who was looking curiously at the item Hakushi gave him. "It must be sad that the man that loved you is gone."

Gill looked from the item to Hobsfeld, then to the forest behind him. "Actually, it's more of a relief than anything. It saves me having to tell him I don't feel the same way, and then the tears, and the sobbing, and the 'Why can't you give our love a chance?' It's better this way. I'm still rather surprised though. I mean, I never would have imagined that he felt that way. Of course, I never thought I'd see a gay man in musical theatre."

Hobsfeld and Evee exchanged glances. "Hey, what'd he give you, anyway?" Evee inquired.

Gill opened the container and pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper. "It has something written on it... '_Ku kupop... Kuuupa... Popokopu... Kupo!_' " He looked up at the others. They were as puzzled as he was by the words. He put the paper away and walked over to the princess. "So, is she still alive?"

As if on cue, Williamina began to awake. "Oh! That thing was horrible! I'm never eating cheese again! Hey, what's that smell? And what's that sound?"

Everyone seemed curious as to what she was talking about, but that's when they heard it as well. It was a shrill sound, but no one knew precisely what it was. They felt as if there were a number of tiny eyes upon them.

"I have a bad feeling," Evee said softly. He looked from side to side. "A very bad feeling."


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Four: Kupo, Let's Mambo!

"Kuuupo!!" came a shrill cry. The tension was felt throughout the entire group, but faded as a tiny figure, no more than three feet tall, jumped out from a bush. It was white from head to toe, except for a pink nose, big, baby blue eyes, and bright, red wings. Most unusual was what was above its head. Attached by something, perhaps a very durable hair, was a red ball bouncing about cheerfully half a foot from the top of its head. "I am a moogle. Popipperpop is my name! The words on that paper summoned me."

"Why's that?" Gill asked.

"Hell if I know," the moogle responded. "Now give me a fucking kupo nut!"

The others were taken back by the moogle's outburst. Hobsfeld was the first to say something to the offensive creature. "How dare you speak such profanity in the presence of the princess!" He was only beginning to start a long speech, but was quickly silenced.

"All right, buck-o, either you give me a kupo nut, or I'll chop _your_ nuts off!" Popipperpop was now wielding a knife, and had positioned himself dangerously close to Hobsfeld's little knights.

"Mr. Popipperpop," it was Williamina's turn to speak, "I think that you should just calm down. All that stress can't be good for your heart. Why don't you just relax, sit down, and we can talk this through? I mean, we don't even know what a kupo nut looks like. If you leave our friend's scrotum alone, I'm sure that we can figure this out like nice, peaceful individuals. It reminds me of this one time, my dear, sweet father..."

On several occasions, the angry moogle tried to interrupt Williamina, but he couldn't get a word in at all. She just kept talking about some stupid story. Finally, he got fed up with her and let his actions speak for him. He jumped up and swung the knife. Instead of cutting at the knight's armoury, he chopped off one of his fingers.

"You little fuzzy," Hobsfeld proceeded to shout out a long string of expletives that would even make one's foul mouthed uncle faint.

"Hobsfeld!" Williamina exclaimed. "How could you, you little monster?" She glared down at the white demon.

"It got you to stop talking about your boring childhood, didn't it? I'll tell ya something: no one cares! Now give me a kupo nut or I'm slicing off more appendages," Popipperpop responded.

"We don't have any kupo nuts," Gill stated.

The moogle's stare became cold and deadly. His eyes were a dagger, piercing into Gill. "You don't seem to understand," his hissed, "I need a kupo nut. If I don't get one, I'll be very, very angry." His words were spoken clearly and coolly. "Now, give me a kupo nut..."

"I just said that we don't-"

"Don't give me any of that crap, boy!"

"I've had enough from this punk," Evee spoke up. He jumped high into the air and came crashing down upon the moogle. It let out a squeaking noise as it was crushed to the ground. Evee hopped off its back and proceeded to punt the creature far away from them. "If we ever need you, we'll read that paper!"

"Good job, Master Evee!" Hobsfeld exclaimed. He then looked down at the bloody stub of his right middle finger.

"What are we going to do about this?" Williamina asked.

"We must get back to Kelly and have a surgeon repair this."

"No! We can't go back to Kelly! Besides, by the time we get there, your finger will be all icky and gross."

Hobsfeld thought for a moment, then came up with a plan. "The Chilly Cavern is nearby. There should be some ice inside. We can chill my finger and we'll go back to Kelly. It should stay preserved well enough to be reattached."

"No, Hobsfeld! We're not going to Kelly. We'll get you fixed up in Waffle Land. There'll be no debate about this. I am not going to go back to that place. I want to start my career as an actress and I won't let you stand in my way," Williamina said firmly.

"Very well, Princess."

"You're a good sport, you know that Corrodey?" Gill said, patting Hobsfeld on the back.

"Corrodey?"

"Yeah, I thought you needed a nickname." Gill smiled, a very rare thing to see from the mime.

"Let's get out of here," Hobsfeld sighed as he picked up his finger.

The group of Gill, Williamina, Hobsfeld, and Evee, travelled across a wide and open plain towards a staggering cliff face. At the base of the cliff was the opening for an intricate cave. Upon entering, the group realized exactly why it was known as the Chilly Cavern.

"Hey, I can see my breath!" Evee said. He started breathing heavily to see his foggy exhale.

While the heat of their breath was visible, it really wasn't all that cold. In fact, there was running water nearby. They figured that all moisture in the cave would've been frozen. Actually, walking through the cave was rather nice. It allowed them to cool off after running out of the Not-So-Nice Forest. They walked along for some time, but there was no ice to be found.

"Well, it's probably colder in the wind," Hobsfeld commented.

"What wind? We're in a cave. It's completely enclosed," Gill replied.

"Just shut up and keep looking for ice."

After more trekking, and still no ice, they were beginning to wonder if there was any hope of saving Hobsfeld's finger. Just when things were looking bleak, they found something strange. It was a refrigerator. It was just sitting next to the cave wall.

"How unusual," Williamina said, as she examined it. "I wonder who put this here. It must have certainly been a strange one. I mean, why haul a fridge all the way in here? There isn't even a place to plug it in." She then opened it up the little light within flashed on. "Hey! It's working! How odd. Hey!" She let out a shout and jumped back as a white ball of fluff jumped out of the fridge, shivering.

"You again!" Hobsfeld snarled, seeing the moogle. He began to draw his sword.

"Kupo! Wait! I've never seen you before! My name's Kupblade!" the moogle squeaked frantically. Upon closer examination, Hobsfeld realized he was speaking the truth. Kupblade was smaller than Popipperpop and his wings were more pink. Once the issue was settled, the moogle proceeded to thank Williamina. "Thank you so much! I don't know how long I was trapped in that fridge. Say, can you do me a favour? I have a, um, 'letter' that I'm late in delivering to my friend Migsey. If you see him, do you think you could give it to him? I'd do it myself, but I need to get back to Mognet Central."

"Mognet?" Williamina was puzzled by the name.

"Yeah, we deliver 'letters' all around the world. If you help out us mail carriers now and then, I'm sure you'll receive some sort of nice reward." Kupblade grinned.

"All right, I'll help you out Kupblade! Do not fear, for Princess Williamina is on the job!"

"Really, she is? Where is she?" the moogle became excited and started looking around.

"It's me, you idiot!" Williamina shouted. "Why do I even bother?" The moogle just shrugged, said thanks again, and quickly ran off. "Hey, look at this! There's a freezer in here." She looked inside the freezer of the fridge and pulled out an ice cube tray, filled up with ice. "All right! Ice!"

"Perfect! Now we just need a place to put the ice and finger - a container of some sort," Hobsfeld said. His eyes turned towards Evee and his floppy hat.

"Oh no! You try to take my hat and I'll start biting off some more of your fingers," Evee warned.

"There's some sort of container in here. It says _Kuporware_." Williamina brought forth a square, clear, plasticy container with the image of a moogle's head on the front. "Let's put it all in here. It should last. Erm, just as long as we scrape out this mouldy... thing..."

Now that they had succeeded in obtaining ice and removed the mould from the _Kuporware_, the group had to get from where they were to Waffle Land as quickly as possible. They were well on their way out of the cavern, and would decide on the best plan of action once they made it out.

They trudged along in silence, although the chilliness was really starting to get to them. At first it was a nice change of pace, but now they were wishing they had brought along an extra sweater, or something.

Williamina was leading the way to the exit when, rather suddenly, she began to fall down a hidden hole. She screamed out, "Ahh! Someone help! I'm falling! I'm falling! This is not good at all, I'm going to end up hurting myself here! Why isn't anyone helping me? I'm never taking the lead again! If you're in the lead, you're just the one testing the area for traps. One bad step and _bam!_ off goes the head! No more of that for me!" The others were rather stunned that she managed to say all of that in the short period of time it took her to fall to the bottom of the hole she had uncovered.

"Fear not, Princess! I'm coming!" Hobsfeld exclaimed. He jumped head first down the hole after her. There was the sound of a lot of clattering armour and then a thud.

"Great, just great. It's up to the rabbit now," Evee sighed and pulled up his sleeves. He then hopped down the hole. After a few moments he called back up. "Um... Little help? I didn't have much of a plan for getting back up there, and the princess and Hobsfeld are unconscious."

"I'm sure you'll figure something out. Take care!" Gill waved down at the hole and continued onward.

"Hey! Get back here! Oh boy... Well, maybe I can climb out."

Gill kept walking along, but didn't get very far before he encountered something very strange. In his path was a hunched over creature. It had pink wings sprouting from its back and was clad in frilly, bright coloured clothing. Reds, yellows, and oranges mixed together in a stunning array. It was topped off by a yellow, cone-shaped hat that shadowed its face and partially covered a pair of long, pink ears.

"Who are you?" Gill inquired.

"I am Black Mambo No. 1!" it responded in a gravely voice.

"I see, well then, I'd best be on my way."

"Not so fast! You aren't going anywhere. You haven't even met Poofy!" Black Mambo No. 1 drew from a frilled sleeve, a large bell. He shook it and the ringing sound echoed throughout the cavern. Seemingly from no where, a giant seal-like creature appeared. "Poofy, sick him!"

"Oh crap..." Gill muttered as the monstrous beast charged towards him. He stuck his hands out in front of him, as if miming a box. The way he was moving his hands, though, it was bigger than a regular box. Poofy proceeded to crash into a mimed wall.

"No!" Black Mambo No. 1 squealed. "Poofy!" He ran to the monster's side. "You broke my Poofy's neck! Now you must pay!" He began to ring the bell again and a rainbow coloured illumination formed around it. The light spread outwards and moved around as if it was alive. It shuddered and twisted about, stretching its way towards Gill. The hunched over Black Mambo cackled wickedly. "Prepare to die!" The light seemed to become volatile. It shook dangerously, preparing to explode.

All the while, Gill was forming a a mimed bow and arrow. He notched the arrow and then let it fly. The invisible projectile caught Black Mambo No. 1 in the head and he keeled over. The light faded and with he went with it, along with his pet Poofy. In his place was a pile of rope.

"Well, I guess I should go back and help the others," Gill sighed, seeing the rope as the way to help them out. "I suppose its rather lucky that he turned into rope upon his death. What are the odds?" He picked up the lengthy cord and went back to help those that had fallen.

"Urg... Almost there," Evee said as he struggled to climb out of the hole. He was very close to escape when Gill returned.

"Hey guys, I have some rope! This'll help you get out of there!" Gill tied one end to a nearby rock and threw the rest down the hole. Unfortunately, because everything was coming down at once, it struck Evee and sent him cascading back down to the bottom.

"Arrg!" he shouted and landed on top of Hobsfeld. "Ow..." Luckily, the fall awakened the two unconscious nobles at the bottom.

"Oh hey, a rope! What good luck this is!" Williamina commented merrily. She then took hold of the rope and began climbing up. "Come on you two! Don't just lay there! Let's get out of here."

"Worked perfectly, our plan did," the familiar green-clad jester said to his cohort.

"It failed miserably," the jester in yellow muttered.

"Say that, how can you?" Zorn inquired.

"I can say that, because Black Mambo No. 1 is dead!" Thorn answered, angrily.

"Dead, he may be, but No. 2 we have, still!"

"You're right. But what if he doesn't work out?"

"Work out, he will! Work out, he will!"

"They're coming! Let's get out of here!"

"Out of here, we are getting!"

The two jesters scurried off just as the group of four was walking beneath them. They had been standing high above the place where Black Mambo No. 1 and Gill fought.

After a few more metres along the path, they were finally out of the Chilly Cavern. The fresh, warm air was a welcome change. Everyone took a deep breath and basked in the sunlight for a moment as they looked out at the green meadow ahead of them.

"Hey, what's that over there?" Evee asked, pointing to something in the distance.

"That's the town of Dali," Hobsfeld replied.

"Hey look, an airship!" Williamina exclaimed, pointing to a ship that was taking off and soaring away from the town. "Maybe there will be one heading for Waffle Land from there. Let's go!"

"Hold on," Gill said, gripping on to the princess' arm before she ran ahead of them. "You need an alias if you're going out in public."

She nodded. "Okay then. Hey Gill, can I see that bottle?" She pointed to a bottle that was tied on to his belt.

"Holy shit! I still have a bottle of ale here? No way, this ale is mine!"

"Give it to me!" she screamed. For a moment, she seemed to become a ferocious animal, ready to rip off Gill's face. The frightened mime complied. "So, this is a bottle of ale..."

"That's right. You can get them in sets of six, twelve, and twenty-four, which is also called a two four," Gill explained.

Williamina opened the bottle and took a swig. "I think I know what my alias will be," she said, after a long moment of thought. "From this moment onward, call me Williamina!"

"I don't think you understand what I meant by alias."

"Of course I did. Now, let's get going!"

Gill sighed, "Can I get my ale back now?"

"We'll see."


End file.
